I think I have never felt love. But I could vouch for the fact that I have definitely given love. A huge, overwhelming amount of it — to people who probably don’t even deserve it. Maybe that’s what love does to you. Love pushes you to give and give until there’s nothing left to give. But what’s the point of giving when in the end you’re left with nothing?
It gets even more messed up when you give it to the wrong people. You see, it’s true what they say; love makes you blind. It is the sudden blurred vision in the night when you’re driving pass streetlights, it’s the morning mist covering your view of the sierra. You don’t get to choose, really. It takes you by surprise, and suddenly one day you just see yourself unraveling; string after string.
It doesn’t happen like you’d imagine. He’s your best friend. One day he catches you off guard and suddenly he has the power to sweep you off your feet. He makes you comfortable and he makes it feel easy to let your guard down. He says the right words and does the right things. You feel like you don’t have to put in too much effort because everything feels natural. It feels right. You go out on dates but no; those aren’t really called ‘dates’ because both of you are merely good friends who just happen to hang out. Conversations get more meaningful each day, you see sides of him you’ve never seen before. You trust him with your deepest secrets and the most ridiculous worries. You know his favourite songs, his favourite food, his favourite word, even his favourite phrase (god, damn it!), basically his favourite everything. You feel like maybe this is it. Maybe this is your long-awaited chance to be in love again. Because love is supposed to be easy, and this is easy, right?
You both do things people in relationships would do. It doesn’t make sense to you sometimes, but you do it anyway because it makes you happy. It’s great for a while, until one day reality hits you hard. After all the late night calls, evening drives, sunset-watching and hand-holding – he tells you he never wanted to have anything more, and that he hopes you and him are on the same page. No attachments, friends with benefits, that kinda thing. At first you thought you’d be fine with it, and that nothing will change, until you realise that he will never belong to you and that you’re not the only one on his mind.
Things then spiral downwards, as day by day conversations turn stale and the spark is gone. You could sense him distancing himself because he noticed that you’re getting attached. You got attached. You’re paranoid and wonder what you could do to save whatever you both had. But then you realised you really can’t do anything about it, because there was nothing to save to begin with. He was never yours and he never wanted to be. You were the only one with your both feet in.
Everything that happened was just a series of almosts. Like you thought you were there, but not quite yet. Then you get angry at yourself for being attached, for letting your guard down, for letting him see you the way nobody else does, for letting him ruin your favourite songs. You’re more mad at yourself than you’re mad at him because he didn’t exactly do anything wrong, you were the one not minding your steps around the fire that he was. Now you’re drowned in self-pity, wishing that you took care of yourself better and not fall for a temporary high.
You wish this didn’t happen to you. You wish you could turn back the time and stop yourself from digging your own hellhole. You wish you two could go back to being friends, but you know as hell that nothing is ever going to be the same. He gave you warning, but you were too occupied in trying to prove him wrong. You wish you didn’t make a fool out of yourself by falling so deeply for somebody who never was ready. You blame yourself for everything that happened, because you knew if you had kept your feet at the edge, none of this would turn into a wreckage.
But listen; it’s okay, really. It’s not your fault. Don’t go around punishing yourself for what you feel. You are allowed to get upset over somebody who was never yours. Just because you weren’t exactly dating, there was still something. Something that filled you up, something that you held on to, something that gave you the illusion of something bigger. Allow yourself to be sad about it, do not think that you’re only allowed to mourn over something “real” or “official”. Your heartbreak is real. Your feelings don’t lie, you feel what you feel and that is real. You need to go through it in order to get over it. Be sad, be angry, cry as much as you want.
Then pick yourself up and move on. Realise that you are so much more than this. Realise that you deserve so much more and this is just a prelude to something better. Do not blame yourself for something that didn’t materialise; because truthfully you knew you could see a glimpse of it, but he wasn’t there to complete it. Because maybe he wasn’t meant for you. But you were meant for you, so treat yourself right and don’t let this little heartbreak ruin you.